Im asked to put the bbq on. Well now, only a man with plenty testosterone can do such a thing. So i take off the cover and quite expertly, may i add, start to light the gas and clean the grill. Little disappointed about the lack of eyebrow charring coal lighting, but hey ho, its still fire yea! Then its time to make some killer guacamole. Well that's easy. Google it. So i type it in, of course spelling it all wrong, then find a killer recipe from someone called bestmumbarnone. I get to work. Scooping some slimey avocados, crushing a lime, decimating a tomato and shredding an onion. Adding an annoying random intrusion of chili powder, from my delightful, I stir it into goo in a bowl. Finished, i balance the mix precariously in the fridge, almost purposefully pissing her off.
Earlier in the day, i had decided to do away with meat for one night, due only to a lack of dime, and buy a portobello mushroom for a burger. In doing so, showing some effort to understand veggie loons. So while i have been lighting and gooing, she has been preparing the mush burger. I instantly assume the position of flipper and take them outside to cook. What greets me is a ravingly disappointing fizzle. No high flames. Nothing. Just a mere snap, crackle and pop. Bored and slightly ticked of at being told am doing it all wrong i give up and go and chat to her cute friend who has come round for dinner.
Now comes the surprise. The burger a la fungi. On first bite i burn of half the sense in my mouth, which may be why the second tasted quite so good. Very happy to have been at all involved in the creation of such marvels i settle down on the sofa, to a gut wrenching, eye opening, traumatic, needle to the heart awakening shot about the plight of what women have to go through in life. Such things as this should not be discussed in front of a male by himself.
Happy now that the horrible banter is over, i express my desires to emigrate here after university and happy with my contribution to the conversation, fall asleep on the sofa.
Holy hell! What! oh, fucking cat! What the hell! Why are you purring into my ear! Come on now, out you go!
I told you! Get out!
OUT!!!! (shuts and bolts door)
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